If only the Church was more like the Exodus Freedom Conference. Seriously. There are few places where corporate worship is so powerful and sincere. And if the Church had the same kind of transparency, humility, and authenticity found here it would transform every congregation. I wish all Christians could experience it. This year’s conference was held at Ridgecrest Conference Center in North Carolina. I was tired by the end of the week, but part of me didn’t want to leave last Sunday. I so enjoyed the fellowship.

Christine Sneeringer

There were several other great keynote speakers, including Anne Graham Lotz, Jimmy Evans, Clark Whitten, Alan Chambers, Dale Evrist and Randy Thomas. My favorite was probably Andy Comiskey. I heard more than one person comment later, “He sounds like a prophet.” There was a spiritual depth to his message that put ex-gay ministry in perspective in light of the greater spiritual reality happening in the world today. You can order his talk as well as all the other keynote addresses and workshops here. Additionally, Marianne Adams (formerly of the group Sierra) did a wonderful job leading worship. And, Christine Sneeringer was fantastic as MC. Who knew she was so funny? She had us laughing all week.

Another highlight of the conference was the last night when all the Xscape participants gathered around a campfire to eat s’mores, sing songs, and share what God had done in their hearts over the week. I wish you could have heard them. They were an inspiration to me. One young man made a poignant point by quoting from Lord of the Rings:

Frodo: I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.

In my previous post, I reflected on last week’s Exodus Conference. In this post, I recount my experience at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference which took place over the weekend.

Its 4:30 on a sunny Friday afternoon when I pull out of the Concordia University parking lot (where I have been attending the Exodus Conference) to venture out into the ex-ex gay world. My first stop is a Chinese restaurant, the Crystal Jade, to meet up with Beyond Ex-Gay founders, Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke. The pair published an open invitation to Exodus leaders to engage in dialogue. While no Exodus staff or board members are able to attend, three of us at the Exodus conference have taken advantage of the invitation—Scott Kingry, director of Where Grace Abounds, Sonia Balcer, director of Safe Passage, and myself (not on staff with an Exodus affiliate, but involved in ex-gay related ministry).

Peterson and Christine bring along two additional dinner guests, Vince Cervantes and Vince Pancucci. The Vinces went public with their relationship at Azusa Pacific University after Equality Ride visited the school last spring. They were expelled in October for breaking the school’s sexual conduct code. As we munch on bok choy and shrimp, Scott, Sonia and I listen to stories and concerns regarding ex-gay ministry. Our goal is not to criticize or argue, but to take the concerns seriously and learn how ex-gay groups can improve their ministries. Valid points are made, and I promise to share their feedback with Exodus director, Alan Chambers. After dinner several of us head over to UC Irvine for the Survivor Conference kick-off to watch Peterson perform his one-man show, “Doin’ Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House” (for a review of the show by a fellow blogger click here).

The next morning when I return to the Survivor Conference, I scan the crowd. There appear to be about 130 people present. Jeff Lutes, Executive Director of Soulforce, gives a warm welcome. He comments on the Exodus conference stating that despite differences we are all connected as brothers and sisters in the human race. He is careful not to disparage Exodus, but makes it clear that the purpose of the Survivor Conference is to “shed light on the falsehood that we are broken and disordered.” Jeff is genuine in his compassion. He believes ex-gay ministry is harmful and wants to spare others the pain.

Following the opening remarks, we all gather outside for a “chalk-talk.” The exercise, conducted in silence, allows participants to write their feelings regarding the ex-gay experience on a large swath of paper. One phrase, written in large caps, catches my eye and pierces straight to the heart. It reads: “I FAILED GOD.” Another comment ponders, “I don’t understand why Exodus people say they have changed but still have all their gay feelings.” Still another writes of the value of the spiritual disciplines he learned while in an ex-gay ministry. I walk up to the paper and write my own comment about ex-gay ministry: “First safe place to open up and come out of denial.” The exercise moves me more than I expected. The comments people have written are raw. Others feel the emotion too and some begin to cry.

After debriefing the “chalk-talk” experience, we are sent off to our first workshop. I decide to attend, “What the Bible Says and Doesn’t Say About Homosexuality” presented by Rev. Nancy Wilson and Rev. Dr. Mel White. Mel White is a passionate and articulate man who makes it clear from the beginning of the workshop that he has absolutely no desire whatsoever to discuss the biblical passages on homosexuality. Over the years he has suffered a barrage of debates on the issue and he is thoroughly burnt out. He refuses to engage in the discussion any longer. Instead, he passes out a booklet he has written on the subject and tells us to read it. Then, he encourages us to refrain from discussing the Bible with conservative Christians because fundamentalists have no interest in sincere dialogue.  Mel also encourages us not to engage in the debate for another reason. By having the conversation, we expose ourselves over and over again to the “lie” that homosexuality is wrong, and when heard repeatedly, “deep down inside you will wonder if they are right.”

Mel passes the biblical discussion on to Nancy Wilson. She focuses her presentation on the use of the word “eunuch” in Scripture. She concludes that “eunuch” refers to a gay person. Even the magi who brought gifts to Jesus were gay, she says. At this a young man in the audience raises his hand and comments, “One of the criticisms of pro-gay theology is that we see gay in every passage [of the Bible]. The magi as gay seems like a stretch.” Nancy replies that the magi were gay because, as court officials, they were eunuchs. However, she goes on to admit she sometimes overstates her case. For example, she cannot say one way or another whether Ruth and Naomi ever had a sexual relationship. However, she uses her imagination to see gay people in the Bible. Nancy tells us that since gay people have been ignored in the Bible for 2,000 years, it’s okay to use our imagination to see ourselves in it—even if it means stretching things a bit.

After the workshop I conclude my Survivor Conference experience by having lunch with Laurie, an old Bible college buddy I unexpectedly run into at the conference. I haven’t seen her in 10 years, and I am delighted to catch up on her life. During our senior year of college, we were referred to the same ex-gay ministry, Portland Fellowship, along with another student. We drove the 2 hour round trip in her pick-up truck and, when asked by classmates, referred to our weekly jaunts as a “bible study.” In many ways my lunch with Laurie captures the essence of the Exodus Conference and the Survivor Conference– friends who have chosen different life paths. 

I realize I was drawn to the Survivor Conference because I love these people. In some impossible way, I long for camaraderie and unity with ex-ex-gays with whom I have shared so many of the same life struggles and pain. Yet, at the end of the day our roads lead us apart, and I wish it wasn’t so. I leave the Survivor Conference knowing it will be my last ex-ex-gay conference. I feel an ache in my heart—the kind of sadness that comes when breaking up with a lover. Even when irreconcilable differences are clear, and parting is the most honest thing to do, the loss is still felt. I want to take my friend by the hand and walk her down the same life path I am traveling, but I know I can’t.

I drive back to Concordia University and rejoin Exodus for the evening general session. I listen as the 800-strong crowd passionately sings, You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God. You do not faint. You won’t grow weary! And, my heart finds comfort.

After writing the last two posts and reflecting further on the conferences, I realize more needs to be said on the issue of change. While this blog is not meant to focus exclusively on issues of homosexuality, I plan to write one more post in this series on the topic: “Can Gays Change?”

Exodus International’s annual conference kicked off last night in Irvine, California with a keynote address from the Director, Alan Chambers. Exodus exists to mobilize “the body of Christ to minister grace and truth to a world impacted by homosexuality.” Unless you have have been living in a cave, you have likely heard of the “ex-gay movement.” From CNN’s “What is a Christian?: Sex and Salvation” to a recent article in the L.A. Times, homosexuality and faith is being publicly bantered, debated and dissected. At the crux of  the matter is: Can gays change?

I drove to Concordia University to attend this conference after a nine year absence from involvement in ex-gay ministry. After attending support groups and conferences in the mid-90’s, I wearied of processing my attractions and said goodbye to the ex-gay world. Now, years later, as I picked up my registration badge, my emotions were mixed. What am I doing here? Is this really where I belong? In recent years I have felt disconnected from Exodus–uncomfortable with the organization’s increasing political involvement and heavy emphasis on change. I wondered if the ministry that so often served as a spiritual lighthouse was becoming more interested in legislation than nurturing hearts.

I also wondered if the question of change would be addressed as honestly as I hoped. Fifteen years into my own journey through same-sex attraction, I am still physically drawn to women (click here for more on my story).  So, I was relieved when Alan presented perhaps the most honest and direct statement on the issue of change I have heard from Exodus. He said it is Exodus’ responsibility to define what the organization means by “change.” The bottom line is–change does not necessarily mean the absence of same-sex attraction. He acknowledged his own continued struggles (albeit diminished from ten years ago or even one year ago). While he personally does not believe there is a “gay gene,” he asked the audience, “What if science discovered a genetic basis for homosexuality? Will it rock your faith?” He proceeded to give five points for the journey through same-sex attractions, including:

• Have realistic expectations (the goal is not heterosexuality, but holiness)
• Place one’s ultimate hope in God, not a cure (yet do not give up all hope of change- as many people do find various levels of healing)
• Forgive those who have wounded you
• Walk the journey within supportive community
• Be honest about the reality of weaknesses and on-going temptation.

I found Alan’s honesty refreshing. And, as I sit through workshops  this week, I am reminded of how much Exodus is a prophetic voice to the world, urging us to live in obedience to God. Its purpose was proclaimed in the lyrics we sang last night: We are singing for the glory of the Risen King, Jesus. More than addressing homosexuality, Exodus beckons us to love the Creator of the Universe with our whole heart, soul, and mind. Joe, who gave his testimony, is one example of many. Now five years out of homosexual relationships, he gave up the partner he loved, his job and home, all within three weeks, in order to turn to God. He lost everything. In those early days it was all he could do to pray, “Lord, its Monday, I need you to get through this day.” Then he would weep and weep. On Tuesday, he would repeat his prayer. And on and on, one day at a time until his strength began to return. Joe felt God speaking to him, “I will love you. I will give you significance. I will give you security.”

The heartfelt passion for God I see at Exodus conferences humbles me, even catches me off guard. These last few days my admiration for the “great, faithful ones,” like Sy Rogers and Melissa Fryrear has been renewed. It was Exodus leaders like these who shone like bright stars in the dense fog of my confusion in the early years of my struggle. It breaks my heart that these same individuals are mocked mercilessly by the world and, all too often, ignored by the Church. Melissa Fryrear has been called every name in the book. She even made it into a national “Top Ten Idiots” list published on the web. Yet, she is one of the most humble, tenderhearted, Christ-like people I have ever met. She radiates the Spirit of God.

Going back to Exodus after being gone so long opens my eyes to the way I have, indeed, changed. As I chat with various women who are just beginning their journey out of homosexuality, my heart aches, remembering those early years of intense pain and struggle. What heart-wrenching days those were! It dawned on me that I am not in that place anymore. Long gone is the day I collapsed on the bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably and asking God to kill me. These recent years of being out of lesbian relationships have been the most joyful and peaceful of my life. I still have same-sex attractions, but I’m not the person I used to be. I see more clearly, love more deeply, and long for God more intensely.

I may be uncomfortable with Exodus’ more recent political involvement and I may differ on some methods of ministry, but I cannot deny that the Spirit of God is upon this organization. I see Jesus in these leaders almost like no one else in the American church. They know suffering. They know loss. They know what it means to lose their lives to find it. They understand what Jesus meant when he said we must die to ourselves to live for God. I can only hope to follow in their footsteps and shine brightly alongside them.

A ”counter conference” to protest Exodus is scheduled to occur this weekend, sponsored by Beyond Ex-Gay. Among the speakers will be former evangelical ghostwriter, Mel White. I plan to attend some of the events, and will post my reflections next week.