This post is part of a “book club” discussion series on Andrew Marin’s Love Is an Orientation: Elevating the Conversation with the Gay Community. The format below includes snippets from the book, accompanied by various questions. Feel free to add your own questions and thoughts from these chapters as well. Chapters 8-10 are covered here
This post concludes our book discussion on Love Is an Orientation. The final chapters (8-10) are comprised of sixteen “commitments” that reiterate many of the points Marin made earlier in the book. Among the commitments discussed in these chapters:
Make a commitment to GLBT people. Be prepared to stick by a gay person for the long haul. This ministry isn’t for those looking for a six week token service project. GLBT people have too often been abandoned by the Church.
Be bold. But not in-your face, obnoxious bold. It takes more courage to get involved in people’s lives in a real and tangible way than to hold a picket sign or engage in detached debates. Be bold in moving into the GLBT world to develop authentic friendships.
Deal with your stumbling blocks. Marin recounts that when his friends first came out to him all he could think about was how repulsed he was by “the act.” Similarly, Christians often avoid gay people because they have fears and stereotypes. Face your issues head on and move past them. Otherwise, you will never build bridges.
Focus on your own spiritual growth. This is not about us fixating on what gay people need to do to get their act together. We need to address our own spiritual lives. It starts with us making a conscious choice to be the people God wants us to be. Gay or straight, we are all in the journey together.
Help gay people hear God’s voice, not just yours. “The ultimate ideal . . . is that gays and lesbians would one day be able to confidently say that the Lord talks to them and they hear him . . . As Christians, our job is not to coerce or pressure anyone by fear, force or logic. We can only take care of what we can control, and it’s impossible to control another human being’s will and motivation” (p. 149).
Remember there is a bigger picture. Don’t make assumptions about what God is doing in a gay person’s life. By all appearances they might seem far from God. Yet we may be surprised to discover there is evidence of the Spirit where we least expect it. There is more to a person’s legacy and life than whether or not they are in same-sex relationships. And there is more going on behind the scenes than meets the eye.
Don’t be a know-it-all. We sometimes think we have to have all the right answers. We don’t. Sometimes it’s better to do as Jesus did—answer a question with a question. When Jesus was pinned down with yes-no questions meant to test him, he often re-directed the conversation to a deeper principle rather than give simplistic closed-ended answers. Spend more time listening to people’s stories and asking questions.
Be transparent. Don’t expect GLBT people to spill their guts unless you are willing to be open and authentic yourself. If we want to minister to people we need to have real relationships. Scrap the paternalistic approach and cultivate mutually transparent friendships.
Look at the bright side. This type of ministry is not easy. As Marin writes, when his foundation was first granted non-profit status there was only $16 in the bank and churches didn’t want anything to do with this young idealistic 24 year old. Instead of seeing the glass as half empty, Marin chose to see it as half-full. Time and perseverance reap a lot of fruit in the end.
As our book discussion ends, my ultimate conclusion is that Andrew Marin provides an A+ manual on incarnational ministry within the GLBT community. At the same time, keep in mind that some of his points are particularly relevant to the unchurched or those who have left the church. This is not a book that addresses church divisions over the issue, the need for biblical apologetics or necessarily how to minister to gay Christians who hold to a traditional sexual ethic and are trying to live celibate lives. How we engage with non-believers or those who have left the church might look different from how we minister to a fellow Christian (for more on this point see Wesley Hill’s book review of Love Is an Orientation in Books and Culture). However, Marin’s primary goal is to help us reach those in the gay community who are not coming to our churches. And for this population, his suggestions are especially poignant. Marin also provides a helpful perspective on how we can all be more compassionate to those with same-gender attraction. Love Is an Orientation is excellent guidance for practical ministry. It is a must read for every Christian.
So what do you think? Any final thoughts on your experience reading this book? What is the next tangible step you can take to implement some of Marin’s suggestions? Just reading a book doesn’t do the world much good unless we take action. I would love to hear what you hope to do from here.
8 Comments
May 28, 2009 at 9:20 pm
I don’t see how his suggestion to live in the community will work, when the cities don’t have a community. The two that I live(d) in don’t, whereas Baltimore, MD does for example. I had a couple of questions that I would like to ask him on his website. As for the next step, my church is going to be asked if they’ll help with referrals from a website referral ministry. Back to the book, I just don’t know why he was rather weak on the power of prayer in people’s lives. Working on my spiritual growth is the most important thing, I want my life to help draw someone to Jesus. A.G., I have prayed for your upcoming talk. Karen, did you agree 100 percent on his theology statements? Not important tho to the overarching idea of just establishing friendships. All I can personally do for now is pray for my friends/loved ones, but with a chance….my words would have to be His words. For now I can get anxious, remembering, days slipping by, …eternity…and I then go back to prayer. This book was so gut-wrenching at times, but will be one to keep going back to for reminders.
May 28, 2009 at 9:57 pm
Hi Di, thanks for your prayers-very much appreciated!! : )
May 29, 2009 at 3:39 am
I am churned up after completing this book. It impacted how I interacted with my lesbian sister this past weekend during a visit to my dad’s, it is impacting how I support my friend who is in the process of coming out as gay to his family and friends after “struggling” for many years, it is impacting my leadership of an online support group for Christian men who struggle with SSA, and it is impacting the heart for ministry that I have in my church and my community which just opened its first LGBT Center two months ago. My “next step” was to give my copy of the book to my pastor/friend who heads up our community care ministry, who wanted to read it. He also deals with SSA, and also has a lesbian sister like me, and my desire is to co-lead a church class this fall centered around the book and the new DVD series “Bridging the Gap” just released by New Direction Ministries. Not sure if we can make that happen, but I’m going to propose it. I am also planning to visit the new LGBT Center and introduce myself to the director (formerly married, now out and proud and a lay leader in the local Episcopal church). Not sure yet where that will go either, but Andy’s book gives me much to consider.
Karen – how about a follow-up post in a few months to check back with anyone who has read the book and see what has happened in their lives since reading it?
May 29, 2009 at 9:12 am
Jeff–I like your suggestion of a follow-up post. I will plan to do that some months from now. So far it looks like:
Jeff–visit the LBGT center, start a discussion group at church.
Amazing Grace–plans to self-disclose to two leaders at her church about her SSA and discuss what their church can better do to address the issues.
Sarah–talking with her pastor about doing some book discussion and active implementation in her church and associated churches (is that right?)
Di–ask her church to get more involved in helping with referrals from a referral ministry and engage in prayer for others, as well as continue to process Marin’s thoughts
Me–get more involved in the LGBT community, particularly on the Duke campus. There has been some discussion forums recently on the topic at the divinity school and I am interested in talking to folk involved in that, etc.
Nate–seeking to dialogue compassionately with a new gay friend on spiritual matters. (Nate where are you at with Marin’s book and his suggestions–anymore thoughts?)
Others out there? Let us know what your plans are–then we’ll have a follow up post sometime late fall and see what has transpired with people’s experiences. Maybe I can get e-mails from folk and post a collage of stories/experiences.
On another note–Jeff you mentioned that the book is impacting you in several ways including your leadership of a support group and how you interact etc. Would you be willing to share more specifically what you are processing and how that is impacting your approach?
Di–thanks for sharing more of your thoughts. As with any book, there are always things I might conceptualize differently, but overall I really like Marin’s book. As for the biblical passages, I understood that he wasn’t trying to do biblical apologetics on homosexuality in those chapters. His purpose was to remind us that those same passages also point to bigger picture theological themes that affect all people. He is basically saying, look, we are all sinners, we are all on the same level playing field and let’s see this as a spiritual journey that we explore together with gay people, rather than paternalistically standing superior to gay people and pointing out their flaws, etc–which is precisely how many Christians use those passages against those who are gay–as passages of condemnation etc. Does that make sense? He is not negating biblical apologetics, he is just saying there is more to the conversation. He is expanding the conversation to a broader picture.
You mentioned that the book was “gut wrenching” sometimes. Can you share a little more about that? I appreciate your willingness to engage with it and process it even if you didn’t always agree with all of it.
June 1, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I’m sorry, I haven’t read the book yet. I’m confused by the “be bold” commitment along with the idea that it “takes more courage to get involved in people’s lives than to hold picket signs”. Maybe the relative allusion to picket signs, which is highly confrontational, is throwing me off. Does Marin suggest that this “be bold” commitment is on any level confrontational?
June 2, 2009 at 11:20 am
Hi dkendall–thanks for leaving a comment. I think Marin’s point is that we sometimes confuse confrontation with boldness. Some Christians think that being bold means to be “in your face” and that is not necessarily what defines courage. Rather, he suggests a more productive boldness that engages with people–not just shouts at people. Does that make sense?
As for any kind of confrontation–Marin doesn’t really address this. Rather he is focused on how to get past the usual Religious Right adversarial stance that so often impedes ministry to the gay community. Many conservatives don’t see gay people as people–but rather this faceless mass to protest against.
June 3, 2009 at 4:30 pm
You just answered AM using the words -how sin affects us. That I think went to the heart of that statement “gut wrenching.” The things I was remembering, conversations, losses, and I kept thinking of time. Time. I want their lives effectively moved to be in His blessings before time…. I wish I could know about His plans for them. What about the guilt and anxiety, that comes and goes?
June 9, 2009 at 1:51 pm
So I just finished this book today. I’m a little slow I know but life happens.
I am a really big fan of the ending how Marin goes through those close ended questions and gives us examples of ways to elevate the conversation.
It was a really good book and I’m glad I read it.