I love the Shakers! ) They were short like me.

And Karen,

I totally hear you. I get more scared because I find answers that are very satisfying and make quite a bit of sense in the face of God’s Grace.

I ask myself if the issue of romance and sexuality is that big of a deal when the man after God’s own heart, David, had how many wives and an interesting relationship with Jonathan to say the least.

I guess instead of bugging you with questions, I ought to find my place in God’s grace too. Just like you. And hope what ever I need to be for God comes to the surface because I have fallen in love with Jesus, just like you.

What that will look like on the otherside, I simply don’t know.

Thank you for always being gracious with me here.

I think we should encourage *all* Christians — gay and straight to be single and celibate. The Shakers did this. This way all can serve God unreservedly and the heterosexuals can also see that a relationship is not a big deal. Paul says that it is the better way; if gays can and should be celibate, straights can adopt the practice, too. It should be a positive experience for everyone if we really believe this.

Thanks for sharing more about yourself. You said something very honest that I think many can relate to which is:

“So how does someone like me follow Christ. I do not want to be single and celibate. I want to love and be loved like anyone else. And I don’t know how to ever reconcile this with Scripture. And I don’t know that I should try any more. Maybe I should just accept my fate (based on all I hear from conservative Christianity) and prepare for hell since I am damaged due to sins in my family line or whatever and I am too rebellious to tow the line and be normal.”

It seems like that is the issue that it comes down to for many–not wanting to live single and celibate. I wrestled with that too. We all naturally want to spend our lives with someone in a romantic, intimate relationship and its a loss when we don’t experience that. But, I wonder too if we elevate it too highly. That is, if we try to seek too much of our meaning in life from a romantic relationship. One does not have to be alone simply because one is not married.There are deep, bonded connections that can occur in friendships that do not include sex or romance.

It is also the question of–what do we want most and what are we living our lives for? I used to ask God–does it really matter if I am with a woman? What is the big deal? But, after time I came to trust that he has my best interest at heart. And I came to see that I am living my life for more than just trying to meet my present needs. This life is short–do I really want to live it primarily for a romantic/sexual relationship? Or do I have the “Big Picture” in mind that there is more to this life than just these few years–that there is a calling on our lives that is greater. I am a follower of Jesus called to do his work on this earth. And ultimately that has more meaning for me than anything.

Scripture says Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind. He is to be first in our lives. Jesus said we would have trouble in this life in order to follow him. There is a cost to being a disciple of Jesus. And not everyone is willing to take on that cost.

You mention that this is causing more questions than answers, but I wonder if it is that you don’t want an answer because you are afraid of what that answer would demand of you. One of my former girlfriends used to say, “Ignorance is bliss.” Sometimes staying in the fog keeps us from facing what we don’t want to face.

Though I think when we do face those things, that there can be something rich on the other side. At least I found that to be true for me. Following Jesus no matter what the cost is totally worth it. I love my life living for Him.

I have always been attracted to women all my life, even as a young girl as early as age 5 I was always more attracted to girls than boys. (if you were to see pictures, even how I dress, it very obvious-I know I know, stereotype).

So do I believe I have SSA because my inward self is male? No, for two reasons. No because my inward self is not fully male. And 2, the parts of me that are woman, are attracted to women.

I have parts of me internally in my mind/soul that are male. I hear them. I have a “committee” in my mind, that are me. Like an internal family. (they aren’t demons, believe me I have had people try to pray them out of me). Also these male parts of me, sometimes make me appear to my friends as more male and more well intimidating. It’s part of who I am. Internally, I am male and female. That’s just fact.

I know that sounds crazy. But it’s just how my mind works. And God speaks to me, and these fragments of me. Which really, that’s what they are, fragments of me. I am internally male and female. And I accept that. God accepts that. But now, how does someone like me live and be a part of God’s work and His family? I don’t know.

So when I hear in scripture that in Christ there is no Jew nor gentile, nor slave nor greek nor male or nor female, naturally I have to ask, what does that mean for someone like me?

Yes. I have a trauma history. Yes, I know these parts of me are ways to cope. But they are me, everyone of them, even the male ones. I walk in those parts of me fluidly. When I need unemotional rationale, the maleness in me comes and brings me there. When I need to be tender and nurturing, the female comes out more strongly. I consider myself quite fortunate to have a mind that functions this way.

But it makes my attraction to women twofold, emotionally, I am very drawn and in the physical I am drawn such a way that it feels normal and natural, like a puzzle piece falling into place.

I have always had lots of friends around me who believed they were transgendered. Several changed gender. I did not. I am not transgendered. I don’t believe I was born in the wrong body. I am what I am for a reason and I have no need to change.

So how does someone like me follow Christ. I do not want to be single and celibate. I want to love and be loved like anyone else. And I don’t know how to ever reconcile this with Scripture. And I don’t know that I should try any more. Maybe I should just accept my fate (based on all I hear from conservative Christianity) and prepare for hell since I am damaged due to sins in my family line or whatever and I am too rebellious to tow the line and be normal.

Is that really the message of Jesus for someone like me?

I end up praying, deliver me or permit me my humanity Jesus because I can’t find another way to live and if my actions will cost me my salvation, then take my life now before I lose my soul.

I don’t know how else to navigate all this mess called sexual identity and just identity in general.

I didn’t come here to this Blog, Karen, to convince anyone of what I believe. I am just trying to understand what I should believe. I want to be whole and pure and true. I want to love Jesus and let His love pour out through me. I want to love Jesus more than anything else. But all this…stuff keeps making me ask more questions than I am finding answers for.

I would be interested in hearing more about your view of yourself in this regard. What is it that is male about your mind/soul? And how do you know its male?

Also, are you indicating that you believe you have SSA because part of your inward self is male?