Desire a change for the New Year? Skip the resolutions. The problem with New Year resolutions is not the concept of fresh starts, personal responsibility or positive change—God knows we need them. Rather, New Year resolutions give the illusion that change comes in one moment of decision, propelled by our “resolve.” Many of us will jump off the starting block in earnest this January only to falter by March. Why? Life transformation is not found in white-knuckled willpower. Transformation comes when we approach change with a paradoxical and counter-intuitive mindset.
Most New Year resolutions focus on breaking a bad habit: I’m going to stop smoking; I’m not going to overeat; I won’t look at porn anymore; I’ll end this unhealthy relationship. In other words, we are seeking to correct an area of our lives where we are missing the mark. “Missing the mark” is the biblical definition of “sin.” It helps, then, to understand how sin operates. Sin is a dynamic property. It has operating principles that govern and affect it. One of those principles is, believe it or not, sin likes rules.
What is our natural response to undesirable behaviors and thoughts? We analyze them, fixate on them and create rules to banish them. Therein lay our problem. Sin uses rules as leverage against us. The moment we say to ourselves, “I shall not eat cookies” is the moment we add fuel to the flames. Scripture states, “For while we were in the flesh, the sinful passions, which were aroused by the Law, were at work in the members of our body” and “Sin, taking the opportunity through the commandment, produced in me coveting of every kind, for apart from the Law sin is dead (Romans 7:5, 8).
As the Apostle Paul points out, it is not the rule itself that is bad (Rom. 7:7-13). Not eating any more cookies might be a good idea. Yet, sin sees laws as an opportunity—an opportunity to break the rules. What happens when we see a sign that says, “Don’t walk on the grass.” Suddenly, walking on the grass sounds like a brilliant idea. We may have not even noticed the grass before. We may have not had any previous desire to walk on the grass. But, now that we have seen that sign all we dream of are soft green blades between our toes.
Psychiatrist Viktor Frankl describes a similar, though not exact, sentiment in his theory of Logotherapy: “In the same way that fear brings to pass what one is afraid of, likewise a forced intention makes improbable what one forcibly wishes.” His solution is “paradoxical intention.” Rather than trying not to do something, one is given freedom to do that very thing. In treating clients with anxiety, Frankl coached them to, deliberately, try to feel anxious. Many of us have experienced the phenomenon of seeking to reduce our anxiety only to have it increase the more we tried to suppress it. If we used paradoxical intention, we would tell ourselves, “I’m going to try to feel as anxious as possible; I’m going to make my heart beat faster; I’m going to make myself shake nervously.” Ironically, anxiety often subsides with paradoxical intention.
While it would not be advisable to go out and eat as many cookies as possible, a form of paradoxical intention is exactly what Scripture says strips sin of its power. If sin has more power when we are bound to rules, what is the solution? Freedom from rules. So, Scripture says, “Now we have been released from the Law [rules] . . . so that we serve in newness of the Spirit” (Romans 7:6). This, of course, does not mean we should engage in anarchy and self-indulgence. Paul writes, “What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the Law . . . May it never be!” (Rom. 6:15). He admonishes, “For you were called to freedom, only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another” (Galatians 5:13).
The paradoxical effect of freedom makes many of us nervous. We are, quite frankly, afraid of our freedom. We cling to rules because they give us the illusion of control. Yet, Scripture states, “If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world . . . why do you submit yourself to decrees such as, ‘Do not handle; do not taste; do not touch!’ . . . These give the appearance of wisdom . . . but are of no value against fleshly indulgence” (Colossians 2:20-23). Why are they of no value? Because the dynamic force of sin is more powerful than human strength. In fact, relying on willpower, through the use of rules, will typically make the sin struggle even more pronounced and difficult.
We can only win the wrestling match against unwanted behavior through supernatural means. It is the “law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus” that frees us from the operating principles of sin (Romans 8: 2). It is the Spirit that produces love, joy, peace, patience and all the qualities we desire for ourselves. Jesus said apart from him we can do nothing. So, how does that work? How do we “tap into” the power of the Spirit of Jesus? More on that in the next post.
12 Comments
January 2, 2008 at 4:39 am
Dang, Karen, I just stayed up for 3 1/2 hours reading through your stuff here. Incredible depth of thought and gifted articulation you have, my friend! It’s inspiring (and you might feel miraculous) how after all your years of anguished seeking that you are now actually BEING the very strong and intelligent woman that God made you to BE. How life-giving for you to be reaping the rewards of your diligent, patient, blood and sweat pursuit of God’s bigger picture for your life! (What are your thoughts on God’s will maybe looking different in other people’s lives? Can His will for one person’s life be totally different than for another’s without contradicting Himself? For example, would it make any sense at all for Him to bless one person’s same-sex union, while willing for another person to struggle with SSA but grow in other ways because of it?) I’m excited for your prospects in Kentucky, it sounds like a place where your mind and spirit can thrive…some of my questions are going to need a PhD’s help!
I am very much looking forward to your next post on tapping into the power of JC’s spirit!
January 4, 2008 at 11:49 am
Hey JD,
Thanks for posting a comment! And for taking all that time to read through the blog
You bring up a good issue–that of discovering God’s will. That would make a good blog post in of itself. Certainly, there are individual directives God gives to people–usually related to “bigger picture” objectives. He most often guides people in serving him and others in some way. So, he directs Paul to tell non-Jews about the Jewish Messiah, he guided Stephen to help care for widows. He calls some to be teachers, some to be evangelists, etc, etc.
But there are also universal values that God wills for all humankind without exception. For example, he does not will for anyone to gossip, abuse others, act selfishly or stingy, etc. He does will for people to be kind, care for the poor, treat our bodies as God’s dwelling place, etc. Its interesting to do a word study on God’s will in the Bible. For example, Scripture says, “For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to conrol his own body in holiness and honor and not in the passion of lust like those who do not know God” (I Thessalonians 4:3-5).
JD–does it make sense that God would say homosexuality is a sin for some gays, but not a sin for other gays? If homosexuality itself is blessed by God, what would be the basis for it to be sin for some gays? Most celibate Christian gays refrain not because of a call to singleness, but to obey God’s overarching design for sexuality.
If we arrive at a hypothetical position such as the one raised by your question, we have to test it. Does Scripture say anything positive about homosexuality? If it did, is there any explicit indication of a split-view (sin for some, not sin for others)? If Scripture does not say anything positive about homosexuality, but does assert that it is sin–on what other basis do we conclude truth? Subjective experience? Other religions/spiritualities?
If we are trying to discern God’s will, and not our own, we have to have a source for knowing that will. I believe Scripture is the revelation of God’s will to us. I also believe that God’s Spirit speaks to us in prayer–*and that nothing he speaks to us by his Spirit in prayer contradicts the thematic values of Scripture*. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He does not speak out of both sides of his mouth in some kind of shifty way.
It really comes down to what we base on our knowledge of God’s revelation on. The great thing is that we don’t need Ph.Ds to discern God’s will, we can pray and ask God for wisdom and we can read His Word which tells us how he wants us to live our lives.
January 4, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I, too, have been blessed by your blog, Karen.
But, I find myself wondering yet again, *why* different interpretations of Scripture matter so much to fundamentalists or to those from that background. It is as though we entered the Reformation with the “just living by faith”, and then when we realize that God *might* just be a bit less boxed up than we ever imagined, we pull back the reigns of that freedom.
And love, where is love? I have yet to hear from anyone — and I have dialogued with some pretty bright crayons on both sides of the “debate” *why* exactly a committed gay relationship defies the Law Of Love — not ceremonial or any other kind of historical law but simply the Law of Love which the Cross brought to bear to humanity.
The Bible does not bless or extol a great *many* things — and yet we partake of them freely. Just as we have gotten into a wing dinger (although very good) about polygamy — we can say progressive revelation to that and yet not to those who were born gay…?
Why would God bless one gay relationship and not another? Why would God bless one divorce and remarriage and not another? (as Jesus seems to indicate). Because He is God, and we are not.
Why, I would ask (and I have had to ask myself this question, too), would it even matter if a Christian chooses celibacy for oneself, and yet does not insist on adhering that gay sex is always sin for everyone? Why would it in any way *lessen* one’s personal commitment? I listened for years how gays were destroying the family and heterosexual marriage — and how some Christian groups still assert that — then came to find out that straights were quite capable of wreaking havoc on their own lives without my existence, thank you very much!
I have wondered if there is a misery loves company element to this — I can’t have the cookie, so you can’t either. And, yes, I can look back on my own life with that one.
I had a very interesting lunch yesterday with a 70 year old saint from my good ‘ol Southern Baptist Church here in the Bible Belt. She mentioned how Baptists are viewed as judgmental and wondered about how fair or unfair that perception was.
About a year ago — the Lord spoke to her privately about not judging others. The two groups she used were — “gays” and “girls who have had abortions”. She mentioned that there were, for instance, gays at our church but that God told her to essentially, “chill out”: that there is where they are at today, right now. Her life is so much freer she said.
My point is this: would it really derail our personal faith journeys were we to give some space to those in disagreement with us? What horrific thing would occur? Would it make our personal celibacy (if we were called to that) untenable? I’m really trying to understand the repercussions here — having not personally bought into the “destroy heterosexual families” line.
Anyway, hope all had great holidays and I thank you once again, Karen, for this open, thinking forum.
January 4, 2008 at 5:48 pm
Hi AM– how did I know you would chime in on this one
You know, I was thinking–even though we have had several conversations on this blog, I don’t have a clear sense on some of your basic beliefs. It would be helpful to get a better sense of a couple of things to have a discussion:
1) How do you personally discern God’s will for your life? Do you use the Bible at all for determining how God wants you to live your life? If so, to what extent? What is your view of Scripture? Do you rely on other things besides Scripture?
2) What are your beliefs about sexual ethics? I gather that you see homosexuality as blessed by God? What about premarital sex, extra-marital sex, and other sexual issues?
How did you arrive at your specific conclusions on sexual ethics?
3) How do you personally live your life in regards to the gay issue? You’ve mentioned before you have been celibate for 18 years. Why? Is there a reason you have not hooked up with another woman yet?
January 6, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Karen,
I would hate to face off in a court room with you. Quite frankly, you would make a brilliant trial lawyer.
My overriding question of *why not* accept differing interpretations of Scripture — in a practical sense — has been disarmed and the onus of what I believe has been brought front and center. Like, I said, you have a naturally skilled legal mind.
Your question of “to what extent” do you use the Bible is for someone of a more fundamentalist mindset is loaded. To someone from that background, I can *never* use the Bible accurately enough. I am fascinated that Franky Schaeffer has published a new book on the religious/political mindset he and his father helped popularize. Curiously (or maybe not so), he (Franky) is now Greek Orthodox.
IOW, Karen, I cannot quantify to what degree I use the Bible in my daily life. Have I partaken in breaking Levitical law? Absolutely. Have I partaken in ignoring the Law of Love? Bingo.
Perhaps you are really asking: do you worship the Bible or Jesus? Or do you see them as one and the same? I am guessing for a fundamentalist that they *are* one and the same. So, no, I do not put printed material, regardless of how divinely inspired on par with the Living God — which is Who I believe Jesus is.
Giving a run down on which “sexual issues” I see as no-nos and which are O.K. is rather silly. Again, I realize that there must be comfort in boxing in, “safe” from the vicissitude’s of life, but at least for myself, I was not allowed that comfort.
When is pre–marital sex, *pre-marital sex*, for example? When it involves vaginal intercourse? Or any form of orgasm, any form of sexual stimulation? How about kissing? See how quickly this falls into courtroom ad hoc with the human element and Law of Love left out?
Do we not adjust anything on the “issue” of homosexuality now that the biological evidence seems to be mounting? Or perhaps the adjustment we give is: “O. K.., you can have those feelings — just don’t ever reach out and touch the one that you love physically.” Sadly, I am reminded of those who once used pedaphillia in league with homosexuality — “If you believe homosexuality between adults is O.K., then by definition, why not allow pedaphillia?” I hope and trust you are not saying this.
Your last question is a bit over the top with the phraseology, “hooking up”, as though that is the sum total of what gay relationships amount to. And as to why I have not done so recently, that is a personal matter, would it not be? Perhaps I have not found a partner suitable to “hook up” with, for example. But your question (at least on the Internet) seems taunting (and I know it is probably not).
But, I get back to my remarks in lieu of what a new poster asked, “Why can’t there be room for different interpretations?” Even if you are solid in your beliefs for yourself, again, what exactly is the harm for a more Bridges Across approach?
Why does a particular Scripture or any Scriptures in general *need* our defending? Isn’t God big enough to defend Himself; I would dare say there is no one to whom He needs to in the first place.
January 6, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Hi AM,
I am a bit baffled and surprised by your answer. I certainly didn’t mean to put you on any sort of a defense. This is not a court room by any means. I was simply trying to understand your perspective. Sometimes I have difficulty following where you are coming from, and I thought it would be helpful to have more clarity on where you stand on certain issues.
For example, I consider the Bible to be God’s Word and so I use it in determining what God’s will is for my life. However, I realize not everyone else does. I didn’t want to spend too much time getting into a discussion on biblical interpretation with you if you do not see the Bible as being your guide to life. So, I was merely trying to figure out where you are coming from.
That was my same motive for asking about sexual issues-to better understand your perspective. We are having a discussion on sexual ethics–specifically different views on homosexuality–so it made sense to get more clarity on how you arrive at your conclusions, how you form your ethics–where we might be similar or different in how we determine ethics, etc.
As for the term “hooking up”–there was nothing negative or taunting implied by it. I was asking about your personal life because I wondered if you were celibate because part of you still thinks homosexuality might be wrong. If I remember right you used to think it was wrong in the past and went through ex-gay ministry, but from what I have gathered, you have revisted that position and are now see homosexuality as blessed by God?
Anyway, your answers didn’t really help me to understand you better, so I am not really sure what else to say. We have gone back and forth on the issue and I don’t have any desire to repeat the same conversation over and over about whether homosexuality is right or wrong. I thought perhaps my questions might help move us into a different direction to have a meaningful discussion on how we determine God’s will for our lives.
In any case, in regards to your first response, you brought up different arguments–such as why would God bless one divorce and not another–using divorce as a parallel to homosexuality. That might sound reasonable at first, but doesn’t hold up under a closer look. For example, divorce and homosexuality are not parallel. The Bible does, in fact, state exceptions in the case of divorce. But, it never states exceptions for homosexuality. And even if we did try to see them as parallels, Scripture says God hates divorce, it is never celebrated and never blessed. I personally do not want to make decisions for my own life that are considered the result of a “hardened heart” (as the Bible describes divorce).
As for love–indeed, what is love? Jesus said there is no greater love than giving up our life for someone else–that is we sacrifice our own wants and needs. Ultimately, David and Jonathan went their separate ways because God had called them to a bigger plan and purpose for their lives. Love doesn’t always feel good. Love doesn’t mean we always get what we want. Love means loving God first and foremost. God says he gives us his commands because he wants what is best for us. To go against the ways of God, and to encourage someone else to go against the ways of God is the most unloving thing a person could do because it would be taking them away from what is best for them. That is why I cannot encourage someone to embrace homosexuality–it would be cruel for me to do so. I want to love people enough to tell them the truth–even if they don’t like what they hear–because ultimately I want people to have all the very best that God intends for them.
January 6, 2008 at 6:19 pm
Indeed, the Internet does have its limitations; I need to keep reminding myself of that. As far as not understanding me — not to worry, probably very few people have. I did think I was clarifying, though. I find you to be a person of a very sharp intellect and hope that you took it as a compliment that practicing law would be a very natural fit for you.
Where we seem to diverge is on interpretation and, I believe, in acceptance of that divergence. I fully admit I was not raised in a fundamental/Evangelical home, so the mindset is not second nature to me.
As far as God hating divorce — of course He does — BUT — and here is the clincher: He apparently loves those who for no fault of their own find themselves divorced — He offers remarriage — not merely friendship as a life answer.
Am I gay through any fault of my own? Are you? Are the majority of God’s kids *choosing* to be gay? I think not. And I think you would agree with me on that point.
What is cruel and unloving about homosexuality? That is where we verge on what is reality. Were you to say that, “Because God says so, that’s why”, I could take that as a far more intellectually honest answer. Two men or two women, faithfully, lovingly committed to one another — I strain to see the “cruelty” in that. Perhaps that is why ex-gay ministries have such difficulty in making *their* case: that gays and gay relationships are inherently dysfunctional.
Karen, do you feel broken? Disarrayed? Mentally ill? That is what we were called for a large portion of psychological history.
I wish that you could give me evidence to prove this cruelty. To me, living alone is cruelty. Not having someone’s shoulder to sleep on is cruelty. Not having someone to share the ups and downs of life and living in an intimate way is cruelty.
My major problem with “ex-gayness” is the bar none avoidance of honest questions: probably because there are no answers.
Please, give me an arbitrary God over the veneer of “it’s just not good for you” any day of the week. *That* would be less cruel.
January 7, 2008 at 12:22 am
Karen,
Thank you for putting so much of your time, critical thought, and spirit into your comments. It is clear that you have a minister’s heart and truly seek to help and serve others by pointing them towards the God who made them. I look forward to your blog about finding God’s will for our lives, as it is much more empowering to be able to discern this for ourselves and not have to rely on another person to tell us what to do. I find that this leads me into confusion and skepticism about other’s opinions. I want to discern a clear path for my own life, with clear communication between God and myself in this task. I want that sense of authority that comes with knowing without a shadow of doubt what my life should include (who to share it with and what to focus on). I wonder, is there a way to actually KNOW this…feel it with my heart and mind in agreement…or is it a matter of blind faith and determination based on English translated scriptural readings and trust in people’s opinions about what is best for me? Thank you for joining me in exploring these questions.
January 7, 2008 at 2:21 pm
JD,
I concur with you about Karen; I think she is a wonderful gal. And I also agree with you that it is best, probably *only* workable to find our own internal compass(es).
Ex-gay ministries and honestly, rhetoric, left me in a tail-spin. Honestly, I had never been given such a great false hope in all of my life. Maybe part of that was my belief system in a God Who cared more deeply about His children’s temporal lives.
At any rate, not being able to pretend that my ex-gay journey did not occur should not be foisted on Karen (or anybody else). I sincerely apologize if I have come across in a demanding way.
Bless you all,
AM
January 7, 2008 at 2:23 pm
AM,
Let me clarify, as we seem to have had a misunderstanding. You have incorrectly paraphrased me. I did not say that I think gay relationships are cruel. I said that encouraging another person to embrace sin (in this case, homosexuality) is cruel. When God says no, he does so with our best interest in mind. So, if I encouraged someone to go against what God has said no to, I am no longer acting in that person’s best interest. Not acting in someone’s best interest is unloving and cruel.
As for gay relationships themselves, I do not see them as cruel (unless there was domestic violence involved). I experienced a lot of genuine love in my lesbian relationships. I really don’t know all the reasons why God says no. I have vague notions–and I have shared some of those notions already in other posts such as the one on chastity– “The C Word” and “Male and Female: Does It Matter?” and elsewhere.
In the end, I have concluded from my studies, prayer and the Spirit in me that homosexuality is not what God designed for human sexuality and so I choose to refrain out of love for God and trust in his judgment.
And, no I don’t see myself (or other gays) as mentally ill, etc. I see myself, along with the rest of humanity, as being affected by sin. The hope of Christianity is the redemption from all the ways we have been affected by sin–all confusion around sexuality, all the disabilities and diseases, all the injustice, and death itself etc. The world is broken and I am waiting for Jesus to restore it, and in the meantime, I seek to live congruently with God’s original intent as much as I can.
JD–I so agree with you that the process has to be one that we own for ourselves. No one can make those decisions and determinations for us. External pressure only lasts so long and is not meaningful anyway. Even though I know things might be hazy or confusing right now, I believe God is so honored simply by your desire to want to communicate with him and hear from him. And, I do believe there is a way to *know* truth deep in our hearts. I will be praying for you that God gives you supernatural revelation and confirmation to put your heart at ease about the direction to go in.
I have a couple more posts I am putting up in regards to this series on overcoming sin (this post being about how willpower and rules are ineffective). After that I will put up on post about discerning God’s will so maybe we can explore that more–I’ll just share some of how that has worked for me and maybe others can share about their experiences. Thanks for spurring on that topic re: discerning God’s will. Such an important topic.
January 16, 2008 at 10:22 pm
I have found your site via jennypo karen and i can see why she so strongly told me to read you. iam one of those *extremely hard on myself* types and grace still remains a distant reality as far as my taking it and realizing it internally. Needing to choose to love God out of a grateful heart, that is the crux of where i am at right now. You definitely are a movement of the Spirit and so welldefined in the writings you make.
January 17, 2008 at 5:30 pm
Hi Robert,
I am so glad you stopped by! (Thanks Jennypo!)
I totally relate to being one of those “extremely hard on myself” people. Have you ever read “Tired of Trying to Measure Up” by Jeff VanVonderen? I really benefited from that book.
God, I pray that by your Spirit you will help Robert’s heart know how deep and wide your grace is for him–like an ocean he can just fall back into–all encompassing and vast.