Ex-Gay Survivor Conference

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In my previous post, I reflected on last week’s Exodus Conference. In this post, I recount my experience at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference which took place over the weekend.

Its 4:30 on a sunny Friday afternoon when I pull out of the Concordia University parking lot (where I have been attending the Exodus Conference) to venture out into the ex-ex gay world. My first stop is a Chinese restaurant, the Crystal Jade, to meet up with Beyond Ex-Gay founders, Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke. The pair published an open invitation to Exodus leaders to engage in dialogue. While no Exodus staff or board members are able to attend, three of us at the Exodus conference have taken advantage of the invitation—Scott Kingry, director of Where Grace Abounds, Sonia Balcer, director of Safe Passage, and myself (not on staff with an Exodus affiliate, but involved in ex-gay related ministry).

Peterson and Christine bring along two additional dinner guests, Vince Cervantes and Vince Pancucci. The Vinces went public with their relationship at Azusa Pacific University after Equality Ride visited the school last spring. They were expelled in October for breaking the school’s sexual conduct code. As we munch on bok choy and shrimp, Scott, Sonia and I listen to stories and concerns regarding ex-gay ministry. Our goal is not to criticize or argue, but to take the concerns seriously and learn how ex-gay groups can improve their ministries. Valid points are made, and I promise to share their feedback with Exodus director, Alan Chambers. After dinner several of us head over to UC Irvine for the Survivor Conference kick-off to watch Peterson perform his one-man show, “Doin’ Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House” (for a review of the show by a fellow blogger click here).

The next morning when I return to the Survivor Conference, I scan the crowd. There appear to be about 130 people present. Jeff Lutes, Executive Director of Soulforce, gives a warm welcome. He comments on the Exodus conference stating that despite differences we are all connected as brothers and sisters in the human race. He is careful not to disparage Exodus, but makes it clear that the purpose of the Survivor Conference is to “shed light on the falsehood that we are broken and disordered.” Jeff is genuine in his compassion. He believes ex-gay ministry is harmful and wants to spare others the pain.

Following the opening remarks, we all gather outside for a “chalk-talk.” The exercise, conducted in silence, allows participants to write their feelings regarding the ex-gay experience on a large swath of paper. One phrase, written in large caps, catches my eye and pierces straight to the heart. It reads: “I FAILED GOD.” Another comment ponders, “I don’t understand why Exodus people say they have changed but still have all their gay feelings.” Still another writes of the value of the spiritual disciplines he learned while in an ex-gay ministry. I walk up to the paper and write my own comment about ex-gay ministry: “First safe place to open up and come out of denial.” The exercise moves me more than I expected. The comments people have written are raw. Others feel the emotion too and some begin to cry.

After debriefing the “chalk-talk” experience, we are sent off to our first workshop. I decide to attend, “What the Bible Says and Doesn’t Say About Homosexuality” presented by Rev. Nancy Wilson and Rev. Dr. Mel White. Mel White is a passionate and articulate man who makes it clear from the beginning of the workshop that he has absolutely no desire whatsoever to discuss the biblical passages on homosexuality. Over the years he has suffered a barrage of debates on the issue and he is thoroughly burnt out. He refuses to engage in the discussion any longer. Instead, he passes out a booklet he has written on the subject and tells us to read it. Then, he encourages us to refrain from discussing the Bible with conservative Christians because fundamentalists have no interest in sincere dialogue.  Mel also encourages us not to engage in the debate for another reason. By having the conversation, we expose ourselves over and over again to the “lie” that homosexuality is wrong, and when heard repeatedly, “deep down inside you will wonder if they are right.”

Mel passes the biblical discussion on to Nancy Wilson. She focuses her presentation on the use of the word “eunuch” in Scripture. She concludes that “eunuch” refers to a gay person. Even the magi who brought gifts to Jesus were gay, she says. At this a young man in the audience raises his hand and comments, “One of the criticisms of pro-gay theology is that we see gay in every passage [of the Bible]. The magi as gay seems like a stretch.” Nancy replies that the magi were gay because, as court officials, they were eunuchs. However, she goes on to admit she sometimes overstates her case. For example, she cannot say one way or another whether Ruth and Naomi ever had a sexual relationship. However, she uses her imagination to see gay people in the Bible. Nancy tells us that since gay people have been ignored in the Bible for 2,000 years, it’s okay to use our imagination to see ourselves in it—even if it means stretching things a bit.

After the workshop I conclude my Survivor Conference experience by having lunch with Laurie, an old Bible college buddy I unexpectedly run into at the conference. I haven’t seen her in 10 years, and I am delighted to catch up on her life. During our senior year of college, we were referred to the same ex-gay ministry, Portland Fellowship, along with another student. We drove the 2 hour round trip in her pick-up truck and, when asked by classmates, referred to our weekly jaunts as a “bible study.” In many ways my lunch with Laurie captures the essence of the Exodus Conference and the Survivor Conference– friends who have chosen different life paths. 

I realize I was drawn to the Survivor Conference because I love these people. In some impossible way, I long for camaraderie and unity with ex-ex-gays with whom I have shared so many of the same life struggles and pain. Yet, at the end of the day our roads lead us apart, and I wish it wasn’t so. I leave the Survivor Conference knowing it will be my last ex-ex-gay conference. I feel an ache in my heart—the kind of sadness that comes when breaking up with a lover. Even when irreconcilable differences are clear, and parting is the most honest thing to do, the loss is still felt. I want to take my friend by the hand and walk her down the same life path I am traveling, but I know I can’t.

I drive back to Concordia University and rejoin Exodus for the evening general session. I listen as the 800-strong crowd passionately sings, You are the everlasting God, the everlasting God. You do not faint. You won’t grow weary! And, my heart finds comfort.

After writing the last two posts and reflecting further on the conferences, I realize more needs to be said on the issue of change. While this blog is not meant to focus exclusively on issues of homosexuality, I plan to write one more post in this series on the topic: “Can Gays Change?”

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Tags: ex-gay, ex-gay survivor, Exodus, gay, homosexuality, lesbian