Exodus International’s annual conference kicked off last night in Irvine, California with a keynote address from the Director, Alan Chambers. Exodus exists to mobilize “the body of Christ to minister grace and truth to a world impacted by homosexuality.” Unless you have have been living in a cave, you have likely heard of the “ex-gay movement.” From CNN’s “What is a Christian?: Sex and Salvation” to a recent article in the L.A. Times, homosexuality and faith is being publicly bantered, debated and dissected. At the crux of the matter is: Can gays change?
I drove to Concordia University to attend this conference after a nine year absence from involvement in ex-gay ministry. After attending support groups and conferences in the mid-90’s, I wearied of processing my attractions and said goodbye to the ex-gay world. Now, years later, as I picked up my registration badge, my emotions were mixed. What am I doing here? Is this really where I belong? In recent years I have felt disconnected from Exodus–uncomfortable with the organization’s increasing political involvement and heavy emphasis on change. I wondered if the ministry that so often served as a spiritual lighthouse was becoming more interested in legislation than nurturing hearts.
I also wondered if the question of change would be addressed as honestly as I hoped. Fifteen years into my own journey through same-sex attraction, I am still physically drawn to women (click here for more on my story). So, I was relieved when Alan presented perhaps the most honest and direct statement on the issue of change I have heard from Exodus. He said it is Exodus’ responsibility to define what the organization means by “change.” The bottom line is–change does not necessarily mean the absence of same-sex attraction. He acknowledged his own continued struggles (albeit diminished from ten years ago or even one year ago). While he personally does not believe there is a “gay gene,” he asked the audience, “What if science discovered a genetic basis for homosexuality? Will it rock your faith?” He proceeded to give five points for the journey through same-sex attractions, including:
- Have realistic expectations (the goal is not heterosexuality, but holiness)
- Place one’s ultimate hope in God, not a cure (yet do not give up all hope of change- as many people do find various levels of healing)
- Forgive those who have wounded you
- Walk the journey within supportive community
- Be honest about the reality of weaknesses and on-going temptation.
I found Alan’s honesty refreshing. And, as I sit through workshops this week, I am reminded of how much Exodus is a prophetic voice to the world, urging us to live in obedience to God. Its purpose was proclaimed in the lyrics we sang last night: We are singing for the glory of the Risen King, Jesus. More than addressing homosexuality, Exodus beckons us to love the Creator of the Universe with our whole heart, soul, and mind. Joe, who gave his testimony, is one example of many. Now five years out of homosexual relationships, he gave up the partner he loved, his job and home, all within three weeks, in order to turn to God. He lost everything. In those early days it was all he could do to pray, “Lord, its Monday, I need you to get through this day.” Then he would weep and weep. On Tuesday, he would repeat his prayer. And on and on, one day at a time until his strength began to return. Joe felt God speaking to him, “I will love you. I will give you significance. I will give you security.”
The heartfelt passion for God I see at Exodus conferences humbles me, even catches me off guard. These last few days my admiration for the “great, faithful ones,” like Sy Rogers and Melissa Fryrear has been renewed. It was Exodus leaders like these who shone like bright stars in the dense fog of my confusion in the early years of my struggle. It breaks my heart that these same individuals are mocked mercilessly by the world and, all too often, ignored by the Church. Melissa Fryrear has been called every name in the book. She even made it into a national “Top Ten Idiots” list published on the web. Yet, she is one of the most humble, tenderhearted, Christ-like people I have ever met. She radiates the Spirit of God.
Going back to Exodus after being gone so long opens my eyes to the way I have, indeed, changed. As I chat with various women who are just beginning their journey out of homosexuality, my heart aches, remembering those early years of intense pain and struggle. What heart-wrenching days those were! It dawned on me that I am not in that place anymore. Long gone is the day I collapsed on the bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably and asking God to kill me. These recent years of being out of lesbian relationships have been the most joyful and peaceful of my life. I still have same-sex attractions, but I’m not the person I used to be. I see more clearly, love more deeply, and long for God more intensely.
I may be uncomfortable with Exodus’ more recent political involvement and I may differ on some methods of ministry, but I cannot deny that the Spirit of God is upon this organization. I see Jesus in these leaders almost like no one else in the American church. They know suffering. They know loss. They know what it means to lose their lives to find it. They understand what Jesus meant when he said we must die to ourselves to live for God. I can only hope to follow in their footsteps and shine brightly alongside them.
A ”counter conference” to protest Exodus is scheduled to occur this weekend, sponsored by Beyond Ex-Gay. Among the speakers will be former evangelical ghostwriter, Mel White. I plan to attend some of the events, and will post my reflections next week.
9 Comments
June 28, 2007 at 4:57 pm
Hi,
I’ve just discovered your website and probably won’t post very often as I am a member of GCN which takes the other approach.
But, I’ve got to say that the “testimony” of Joe who gave up “home, job, partner” in order to turn to God sounds like a travesty for a human being to end up in a heap of unfunctionality. For someone to be essentially destitute glorifies God? Or to be laying on a bathroom floor asking God to talk your life because you can’t be straight? What kind of God is this?
The fallbacks and fallouts from “ex-gays” are well documented — from ministry leaders to participants. I know of only one *functioning* ex-gay who has been celibate for 2 decades. He is wonderful person, a great friend, and very much the exception to the rule.
Maybe this is why there is so much angst with Exodus from gay Christians — there is so much promise of forsake it all — and then folks end up either non functional — including seriously depressed, or having OOP– SES on the side. But all the while proclaiming this great sacrifice that God wants. Which they can’t keep (most of them) for any duration of time. Lots of talk, very little ongoing walk.
June 29, 2007 at 7:24 am
[...] of Pursue God, a woman “fifteen years into my own journey through same-sex attraction,” checks out the Exodus conference, and finds hope (along with greater honesty than she’s previously seen about what’s [...]
June 29, 2007 at 2:40 pm
I edited this comment slightly as I felt my first response was too simplistic and trite.
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for your comment. I can understand why you have the position you do. I want to clarify that my depression and crying on the bathroom floor had to do with the internal conflict of wanting to live out my beliefs (refrain from homosexual relationships) and not having the ability yet to do that. It also had to do with a faulty understanding of God’s view of me. I grew up in a legalistic environment where I came to believe God was difficult to please. I wanted God to kill me because I felt he saw me as ugly and unworthy of love. What I failed to realize is that God loved me in the midst of all my confusion as I was trying to sort everything out. He loved me when I was in relationships with women, and he loves me now regardless of my sexual orientation. I wish I had understood that then. I believe God is patient and understanding as we try to sort out these difficult life questions for ourselves.
While I loved being in relationships with women–I knew that was not what I wanted for my life. That God’s ways are for my own good and I want to pursue God with a passion more than any woman. It took awhile for me to sort everything out, but now that I am no longer involved in lesbian relationships I am happy and peaceful. My life has never been better and I learned much through the whole process. So, I am not at all depressed or “unfunctional.” I am a much more mature, well-rounded person than I ever was. And there are many, many others here at the Exodus conference who are also doing great. So, its not fair to characterize all ex-gays as being miserable and unfunctional anymore than it is fair for the Church to say that all gays are miserable drug addicts.
Suffering is no stranger to Christianity. Scripture says Jesus endured the cross for the joy that would result from his sacrifice. His willingness to obey God, even when it hurt, resulted in life for the human race. Following God is not an easy thing. It cost us something, but even in the midst of pain it can be an awesome spiritual ride of depending on God and feeling his grace and love like never before.
June 29, 2007 at 7:22 pm
Hey Karen,
Haven’t heard/talked w/ you for a while, thought I’d better stop by to say “Hi”. How are things @ the house church?…would love to hear more about your fellowship and what a typical week is like. Appreciated your latest post and comments.
July 2, 2007 at 2:48 pm
I did the ex gay thing. I totally feel where you are at. I spent even longer than you in denial and resistance. Time isn’t going to change things. It won’t fix what isn’t broke.
I was never happy while trying to be ex gay and cannot believe God wants me to spend my life in struggle. What good am I when I play life anything less than full out? What good am I to society if I spend so much time unhappy and trying to justify my self-inflicted falsehoods? How do I think I’m fooling? God knows who I am already. He created me! Denying a part of me is saying God made a mistake with me. It’s denying His creativity. I was in God’s way in my life, as if I knew better than Him.
I know where you are. I was there too. You believe these leaders as much as they believe their own story…as long as they keep telling it anyway. Take a breath and surrender to God and you’ll find a totally different response. One where there is no struggle, no denial, no resistance when living in the flow of the path God intentionally created for you. You’re God’s creation. Finally, let go. Let God. Listen to Him for your life, not leaders from Exodus. They are in your way between you and God. They don’t have that right. They didn’t make you. You’re just another number to them they can report to the press and on their website. To God, you are the world to Him. Let Him be your guide and know what it’s REALLY like to live in harmony.
July 3, 2007 at 3:32 pm
Jesus came to set the captives free and whom the son sets free is free indeed. He was displayed naked on the cross to take away all guilt and shame. Due to the sins of out forefathers male and female orientated spirits (familiar spirits) are often passed down the line. Go back 3 generations of many homosexuals you will find freemasonry, spiritualism or some sort of moral disobedience (see deut 28). This when practiced by the individual victim, can give a further foothold or stronghold (addiction) to the enemy. At Sodom and Gomorrah we see all the men of the town (despite being blinded) still wanting perverted sex like zombies. It’s become part of the culture and spiritual makeup of the town. We see principalities and powers pulling the strings and mankind responding in the flesh. At this stage parental guidance in biblical truth is out the door as peoples behavior becomes generational, irresistible and almost involuntary. The church has remained in the dark for too long on this subject and failed to recognize the spiritual dimension let alone take appropriate action. The next generation will not change without God’s miracle hand. We are warned that in the end times society will become far worse than before the flood. Homosexuality will be regarded with high esteem and superior, as it was in Greek/Roman culture. Yvonne Kitchen from Fruitful Vine Ministries has some excellent resources. I went to her UK conf this yr and saw many people being set free from lots of terrible generational curses. You don’t have to suffer in torment or silence there is a way out. The strong man needs to be bound and cast out. You can be reformed by the potter into the person God always intended you to be. He who has begun a good work in you shall complete it until the day of Christ Jesus.
July 6, 2007 at 8:24 am
[...] blogged about the ex-gay and ex-gay survivors conferences in Irvine last week. I already linked Karen’s account of the Exodus conference; here’s her account of the ex-gay survivor conference, including a dinner that she and a [...]
July 8, 2007 at 10:39 pm
Excellent post. Very insightful and fair. A friend forwarded your blog to me. This week I will blog about my experience at both conferences as well.
grace!
February 7, 2008 at 9:24 am
[...] other thing that occupies my time is ex-gay ministry. After I attended the Exodus conference last summer, God burdened my heart to be more actively involved in a local ex-gay ministry. I had [...]