The defining moments of life lie in our response to God when the unexpected comes. Sooner than later we face a rude awakening: Christians are not exempt from pain. Life will treat us unfairly—and God will allow it. How we grapple with our faith at these pivotal turns sets the direction of our lives. Do we persist in pursuing God? Or, in our disillusionment, do we abandon him? These questions pressed hard on my own mind for many years. It began in 1992. That’s when I looked into life’s mirror and was startled to see the unexpected. That’s the year I knew I was gay.
My same-gender attractions barreled into consciousness during Bible college, stripping away years of denial and wrenching my presuppositions of God from their secure sockets. The Church never told me a good Christian girl who sang in church choir, went on mission trips, and served in youth leadership could be gay. Weren’t homosexuals outside the Church—a subgroup of activists with an “evil agenda”? Didn’t Romans 1 teach homosexuality is caused by hatred toward God? How could I be gay?
The unexpected challenged everything I believed about God and Christianity. For ten years I wrestled with, What does this mean for me? Was I born this way? Is homosexuality truly wrong, or was it my fundamentalist upbringing that convinced me it is? I studied Scripture. I got involved in lesbian relationships. I went to ex-gay support groups. I read pro-gay theology. These were difficult years marked with crying, pleading, trying, exhaustion, failure, painful losses and suicidal thoughts. My healing never came.
American Christian culture teaches us God will fix all our problems. We just have to pray hard enough, seek him earnestly, and surrender more readily. After all, Christianity is about the “abundant life.” All God wants is for us to be happy, right? The truth is God can be unnervingly patient in the midst of our storms. He let me sweat it out. Just as he may let you wrestle with your pain. Our response to such treatment is often anger—at least for me. I thought God was callous, a cruel jokester playing a cosmic game. I didn’t understand; his silence was moving me past superficial comforts to find deeper wells.
Ultimately, I came to a deep spiritual peace in choosing not to be in homosexual relationships. Not because of my fundamentalist upbringing. Not because of family or peer pressure. Not because I was afraid God would hit me over the head or send me to hell, but because the Spirit testifies in me that homosexuality is not what he wants for human relationships. This life is short; my destiny is not about finding a lover or a life partner, as good as those things are. It’s not your life purpose either. Our destiny in life as followers of Jesus is to proclaim and live out, on a daily basis, the Kingdom of God until He comes.
Scripture says the Kingdom of God is where righteousness dwells. Righteousness is a word that is often misunderstood. We tend to associate it with legalism, perfectionism and trying to measure up. But, the Bible associates righteousness with joy, life, beauty, healing and all that is good and pleasing in the eyes of God. It is especially related to shalom—which means holistic well-being. Psalm 85:10 says, “Righteousness and shalom have kissed each other.” The ways of God and well-being are intimately conjoined. To value righteousness is to value our own well-being and the well-being of others.
I still have same-gender attractions. I might have to live a life of single celibacy. All my problems haven’t gone away and all of your problems, whatever they may be, might not go away either. Jesus said in this world we will have trouble. The question is: Will we follow him anyway? How far will we go in our pursuit of God? Will we give up when pain and loss slap us across the face? Will we falter when loneliness taunts us? Will we throw aside faith when God shatters our presuppositions of him? Or, will we cling to him even when he is silent?
Let me tell you something; Jesus is the priceless pearl worth losing everything for. Don’t throw away your destiny for that which fades in a matter of days or years. Don’t hold onto bitterness and anger because life didn’t turn out the way you expected. The picture is grander than what meets the eye. God can be trusted. When the unexpected knocks you flat, get back up and keep walking. I am walking with you.
32 Comments
May 12, 2007 at 1:23 am
I appreciate your openness.
How long have you maintained your life of single celibacy now?
Do you have the support of others around you?
May 12, 2007 at 3:09 am
Karen your humbleness and brokenness is refreshing. I added your name to my blog roll last night. DM
May 12, 2007 at 4:36 am
Hi Kclick– I have been celibate for about 6 years. Yes, I have support. Not in the sense of a support group, but I have a good community of friends that I can talk to about anything in my life. Most of what I have been fretting about these days is not so much my sexuality and chastity, but my impatient disposition and desire to be a more gracious person. I need support to continue to grow as a believer in all the fruit of the Spirit.
DM– thanks.
May 15, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Wow…thanks for your honesty Karen. This blog was particularly thought provoking and well written…it sang to my heart as I read it.
Having many gay friends, relatives, and co-workers, your insights greatly encouraged me and challenged me to think more deeply and graciously about the issue of what it means to be a homosexual and a heterosexual Christian in our culture. There are no pain free humans! Connecting with grace in our common pain should bring us together and not permit us to bruise each other or club each other with arguments, pretenses, or words that block our pursuit of God.
May Psalm 85:10 truly reflect how we interact with God together, “Righteousness and shalom have kissed each other.” I love that picture. May God’s love be a declaration and a banner over all people regardless of sexual preference.
Laura
May 15, 2007 at 11:21 pm
Laura,
Its great to see your gracious and compassionate heart toward those who are gay. I agree with you about God’s love being over all people. It always disturbs me when people state that God’s love is conditional. Or that God does not love gay people.
I’ve noticed that many individuals who choose to embrace their homosexuality do so on the basis of “God loves me as I am.” And, I couldn’t agree more that God does, indeed, love us exactly as we are. But, the question is not does God love the gay person; the question is, how does a gay person respond to God knowing s/he is already loved by God?
For me, responding to God’s love means choosing to trust his direction in my life (by not affirming homosexuality) even when I don’t always understand the whys/why nots of it. Valuing the ways of God necessitates that I choose to embrace God’s mysterious design of male/ female in any covenant relationship.
God loves me no matter what my sexual orientation is. And in response to that amazing love, it is my honor and privilege to give him my whole being, sexuality and all, by walking in obedience to him.
May 17, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Yes, Jesus is “the priceless pearl” and the loving parent who thankfully never loses hope in us. As His child I strive to please Him, but in giving in to self I have definitely run from Him. Celibacy is a choice I make in my life now. However, my past speaks differently. Unfortunately, I live in a world where there is the consistent barrage of media that fosters this attitude and this intersects with my internal fight to “live in the world but not be of the world.” It is rare to find a person who chooses celibacy, putting their own needs aside to follow Christ. I am thankful to Karen for shedding light on such a difficult topic.
May 18, 2007 at 9:52 am
In a Christ followers walk the darkness of the night is brighter than any morning of this world….and your faithfulness and chosen spiritual discipline in choosing what path to follow will bear specific fruit to encourage others……..
July 3, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Jesus came to set the captives free and whom the son sets free is free indeed. He was displayed naked on the cross to take away all guilt and shame. Due to the sins of out forefathers male and female orientated spirits (familiar spirits) are passed down the line. Go back 3 generations of any homosexual you will find freemasonry, spiritualism and some sort of disobedinece (see deut 28) that gives a foothold or stronghold to the enemy. At Sodom and Gomorah we see all the men of the town (despite being blinded) still wanting perverted sex like sombies. It’s become part of the culture and spiritual makeup of the town. We see principalities and powers pulling the strings and mankind responding in the flesh. At this stage parental guidance in biblical truth is out the door. The church has remained in the dark for too long on this subject and failed to recognise the spiritual dimension and take appropriate action. The next generation will not change without God’s miracle hand. In the end times society will become far worse than before the flood and homosexuality will be regarded with high esteem as it was in Greek culture. Yvonne Kitchen from Fruitful Vine Ministries has some excellent resources (see website). I went to her UK conf this yr and saw many people being set free from lots of terrible generational curses. You don’t have to suffer in torment or silence there is a way out. You can be reformed by the potter into the person God always intended you to be. He who has begun a good work in you shall complete it until the day of Chris Jesus.
October 27, 2007 at 11:41 am
Dear sister, thanks for sharing your story. Thanks for puting words to my own feelings! It’s true that the choice of celibacy isn’t due to fear or pressure or fantism, but to the fact that the Holy Spirit is giving testimony to our lives of what relationships are meant for.
Thanks again, your story is a blessing to me, and an encouragement to keep going, despite the ssa struggle, and trusting in Jesus.
January 16, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Wow – this is the first one of these blogs or websites that lines up with my idealogy on the subject. I think these ex-gay ministries and churches are doing a disservice to those who struggle w/ SSA. They like to give hope to them by instilling the idea that they need to be heterosexual – which is unfair. Christ does not call them to be heterosexual Christians.. God made us all heterosexual.. Christ calls us to be sexually pure – as he calls all people. So, the goal of these ministries should be to proclaim freedom from sexual sin instead of marriage. I walked out of homosexuality 17 years ago and have been living a celibate life since then. I do not have much struggle w/ SSA anymore, but God has not brought me a husband either… so, I – like you – have no problem accepting I might never enjoy sexual intimacy w/in marriage. I think God wants me to share my victory ( through GRACE alone ! ) with other Christians to offer them hope for their family members and loved ones.. Thanks
January 17, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Hey Stace,
Thanks for posting a comment! I would be interested in hearing more about your story. You have been faithful a lot longer than I have–17 years. Wow.
I can’t say that I have no problem at all with accepting no intimacy. It is a loss and I would prefer not to have that loss. But, I can also say my life is so much more than that–as you seem to grasp too. I don’t have enough time for all that I want to do and explore and enjoy in life.
March 5, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Dear Karen,
Lots of heterosexual people, even those in marriages, live with no intimacy in their spouse relationship.
I am one. We live in a culture that does not promote intimacy. It promotes sex, but not intimacy. Trust me on this please, everyone has sex with intimacy, or sex without intimacy or no sex and no intimacy. Some people even have intimacy without sex. Which do you think is the hardest and most difficult way to live? Having sex without intimacy is far worse than having no sex at all. It leaves you empty inside, feeling dirty and used and lonely. You have made some very wise decisions about your life. God bless you.
Linda
March 6, 2008 at 10:19 am
Hi Linda!
I agree, our culture is starved for intimacy, but very confused about what it is and how to have it. Sex is so powerful and can be a great means of intimacy in its proper context, but so deeply hurtful when not its proper context. Thanks for stopping by to share your thoughts.
March 17, 2008 at 8:39 pm
[...] eliminating homosex as a legitimate expression of our humanity, or (2) They have experienced, as Karen K has, the Holy Spirit testifying that homosexuality is not what God wants for [...]
June 30, 2008 at 9:22 pm
Dear friend, I am happy that you found your peace. I totally respect that for you, homosexual relationships are not a part of your journey. But there are others who feel that gay relationships are not outside God’s will. I just chose a different path, to express the integrity of my relationship with God by living as who I am. A lesbian who loves Jesus. Peace and blessings on your continuing journey.
July 4, 2008 at 4:24 pm
Hi April,
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Yes, there are others who feel gay relationships are not outside of God’s will. I too respect that everyone has to do their own soul searching on this. We cannot choose for each other how we will live.
I do think its more than a matter of just being able to choose different paths though. I don’t believe that God speaks out of both sides of his mouth. Not all paths are equal. So I don’t believe that both of us can be correct on this issue. For me personally, I simply did not find pro-gay theology convincing and the Scriptures carry authority for me in how I live my life.
I am glad you love Jesus. May you know him more and more and may God grant both of us greater clarity to see his will.
August 18, 2008 at 8:03 am
My “priceless pearl” is my partner of 10 years, and I won’t give her up for any misguided advice..no matter how well intentioned. It’s too bad everyone involved in the ex-gay ministries cannot see how society and religious pressures have turned you to self-hating. Every one of these websites is really preaching hate. And when a wounded person who doesn’t have the internal strength (or family and friend support) stumbles across these, they think they can find a “cure”. Folks, the only cure out there is to be who you were born, and to find true love and friendships and partnerships. And this applies to everyone, gay, straight, bisexual and transgender.
Good luck to all those out there questioning…I hope you find truly supportive people to help you through this process.
April 1, 2009 at 7:33 am
Karen,
Thanks for sharing. You’ve put a lot of things into words that have been deep in my heart. I sometimes don’t know how to describe my journey. I am attracted to men, but I’ve never had a “real” relationship, or even hardly dates, with them. I found what wasn’t so much an attraction to women, in my mind, as it was them meeting emotional needs/desires. So, over the years, I would feel some kind of attraction.
Oh, and I’ve been following Jesus for a long time, been part of lots of great Kingdom growth stuff.
But, I ended up very much in love – at least as I would ever know to define it – with one of my closest friends. She and I had felt attracted to each other for a long time. We didn’t speak of it. Then, we did. And, eventually we ended up in a sexual relationship for a few months. But, we both very much knew it was not God – despite the strength of our feelings and really connecting as “soul mates”, so to speak. She moved away because of it, as it was the only way for either of us to try to live God’s best. It took a while for both of us to really be willing to let go and try to move on.
Anyway, it’s weird to me because, like I said, I very much would want a relationship with a man. And, I have guys I’ve been attracted to – even since this. Still, the love was so strong, and I miss her so, it’s hard to really let myself be free.
There has been quite the God-process in all of this – in terms of restoration and redeeming, and I thank Him with all I am.
Anyway, just to say that it helped to read your stuff. There are differences, but much of what you share – in terms of God stuff – resonates a lot.
Thanks for sharing.
April 1, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Julie–Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts. I know how incredibly hard it can be to give up someone in the way that you have. Its painful. Your commitment to putting Christ first encourages me. I do believe that when we trust him that we do reap the benefits of that.
Sexuality is a complex thing and its not unusual for people to feel attractions to both genders at some point in their lives. Sometimes women are mostly attracted to men, but fall in love with just one woman. There can be different factors for that. I think the emotional aspect is what many women miss the most as you mentioned. Are you getting any support and encouragement from anyone through this?
April 3, 2009 at 1:48 am
Karen,
Been checking out more of the site. It’s good to “hear” your story and process of things. I can relate so much. I’d guess you hear that a lot from commenters. But, I could go back in my own journals and find some lines word for word I think. Different journeys but quite similar feelings, etc.
I don’t have any specific support, no. I have good friends who certainly know about things. And they are cool, though they don’t “get” it at all. And frankly, neither do I. So, I just keep living and try to allow God to keep revealing, healing, working, etc. I went to some counseling for a short time after my one relationship. That wasn’t so great since the counselor said we were probably soul mates and would do best to work out our unhealthiness, but then be together, and that that would be living out God’s love in the best way. Not what you’d expect from a Christian counselor. But, you know, since I am like you in really not believing or being settled deep in my spirit at all that same-sex relationships are God’s intention, her “help” didn’t really help. Though, it did kind of drive me to reach out and hang on to God even more, since all in me wanted to what she accepted. I mean, in ending the relationship, I’ve lost a friend and spiritual family member. And, I hate that. Anyway…
As I live out God’s purposes in my life, I haven’t really been in places conducive to support networks. I suppose I haven’t seen myself as needing one. This is just because I’m not sure I’ve ever really known – or accepted – what some issues really are. That even with the intense relationship I had, I’ve never seen a deeper thing with it all.
Anyway, not sure what else to say via a blog. ha. If I really start to share my story, that would take a lot, of course.
So, thanks for being real with things. I’m sure it’s both freeing and hard.
Blessings.
April 11, 2009 at 10:06 pm
Thanks for this post. I am going through something similar to Julie and it’s taken a toll on my relationship with God. In my case, the person I care very deeply about is not a Christian and lives far away. We talk daily and have a physical relationship when we see each other. I haven’t told anyone and don’t feel comfortable opening up to my Christian friends. I have thought about talking to an acquaintance who is gay and not a Christian, but I know that’s not for the sake of clarity but to feel less alone in my ordeal.
Anyway, I am curious about what the deeper issues behind “being gay” are. Some ex-gay pastor once said that homosexuality is rooted in not knowing your identity (often tied to a poor relationship with your earthly father). May be true in my case.
Okay, thanks again for the post and letting me share. Certainly gives me a lot to think about.
April 11, 2009 at 10:11 pm
Oh, looking at the post on Reparative Therapy now. Thanks!
April 13, 2009 at 8:07 am
Julie--thanks for sharing more about your story. I hope you will continue to engage in the conversation. Every person is different, but I hope that you have some good friends to connect with about your situation. Losing a dear friend is hard to grapple with on your own. And, it may help to explore the dynamics in order to be more aware to prevent a similar situation from occurring in the future.
Just Me–I am glad you came by. The reasons why some of us may end up with same-gender attraction or in a homosexual relationship can vary from person to person. It may be worth finding a Christian counselor with some experience who can walk with you through this. It sounds like you are still in the relationship. And its hard to break free from that kind of relationship on your own. Even though you are not physical on a regular basis due to distance, it sounds like there is still a fairly involved connection with talking everyday. Is that something you want to address? Or are you feeling ambivalent. I hope you can get some solid support from other Christians who can walk along side you in this.
April 13, 2009 at 3:45 pm
Karen,
This post has challenged me once again to know my motives with my current relationships. To be sure I am practicing God’s presence and not this person who I am so attracted to an love as purely as I am able.
I don’t want to lose Jesus. I want to find the peace you have with Christ. I don’t know where I am going but at least I know where I stand now. These are my convictions and not what I was told to believe. And you know the value in being able to define that.
I continue to pray and hold out this relationship to God with an open hand, willing for Him to take it from me if it’s in my way. I won’t like that at all if He does. But I have been many things to God if not totally honest. I will not be a mistake or a stumbling block for anyone, not even for me.
Pray for me when you think to. I still don’t have all the answers. But I’m becoming more ok with that. I am praying for you right now and thanking God He raised you up to write this blog.
Thank you
April 15, 2009 at 9:00 am
Ewe–thanks for your prayers.
I can always use them. And certainly, I will pray for you too that God gives you revelation, wisdom as you seek to walk with Him.
April 15, 2009 at 10:48 am
Hey Ewe, sorry I had to delete your comment. I am not making any public announcements yet. Tell MJ I said hi.
April 15, 2009 at 10:50 am
oops ooops I am sorry I did again!!! Delete it!
April 15, 2009 at 11:02 am
I will probably say something next month. But, there may be a plot twist . . .
April 15, 2009 at 11:02 am
Sorry
April 15, 2009 at 11:05 am
A plot twist?? Oooo cool. Can’t wait!
May 25, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Hi Karen,
Yesterday, I heard you speak at a church in Los Altos, because two friends of mine attend there, and they invited me to the 11 am service. The reason my friends knew I’d be interested is that they know I have same-sex attractions. However, I do not struggle with these attractions–I accept them. Your talk, and the pastor’s words, were intriguing to me, though I have heard the arguments against same-sex attractions before. Thorough research of the Bible, various translations, and various statements of various positions on this issue have intrigued me for some years now. Seven years ago, I returned to following Jesus, after an attempt to abandon my faith. Jesus continually makes his presence felt, assisting my discernment in many areas of my life. And as a result, thus far, I am convinced that my propensity for same-sex attractions is not sinful, so long as I conduct myself in a decent and honorable manner, and so long as I continue to seek guidance from God before acting. At the moment, I am not in a relationship, because I am awaiting the opportunity God will send. And, I am not convinced by arguments stating that scripture condemns honorable, monogamous same-sex relationships. Indeed, I went to scripture yesterday, in discussion with my friends, after the service at which you spoke, and I was even more firmly convinced that misinterpretations propel the notion that scripture condemns honorable same-sex relationships. If you’re ever interested in a discussion of this matter, I’d be happy to participate, because I am always interested in what God may reveal. Also, I respect your courage in facing all these difficult issues in your own life.
May 25, 2009 at 5:21 pm
Hi Vicky, I am glad you stopped by. Thanks for sharing about yourself and your reflections on the service. Just to clarify for those who were not there, but may be reading this blog, I did not speak on the Bible’s statements about homosexuality, rather the pastor made some preliminary summaries of certain verses. I just shared my own personal story and what Christians can do to more productively engage with GLBT people.
I want to say how awesome it is that despite everything, you have managed to hold onto your faith. I know from experience that this particular journey can really challenge that. I am glad you feel God’s presence, and I pray that he will continue to give you discernment and wisdom in all areas of your life.
As for a discussion on the Bible and homosexuality, I am always up for dialogue. I am open to doing that on this blog or privately via e-mail. You can find my e-mail address on the About button. Or, if you want to engage on this blog, you can look at the posts I have already put up on this issue and comment there. See the theological studies category. I have four posts there related to the Bible starting with “Jesus on Homosexuality” and others looking at Leviticus. I may put up additional posts in the future if there is an interest. I know one gal wanted to discuss a gay affirming book on theological perspectives she found meaningful and I might do a book review on it at some point.